Politics

An Ode To America’s Love Of Naked Starlets

Danielle Evenson — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 12:00:35 +0000

Check out this “Moment of Clarity” (aka “The Naked Starlet Video”) music video by comedian Lee Camp featured on Huffington Post’s Comedy Channel. The video explores how much America loves a good naked girl. To be fair, I think the whole world loves a naked girl whether she’s good or bad. Check out the video. You’ll laugh. You’ll learn. You might even see a flash of a boob.

For more ogling, check out 10 Funniest Photos Of Kids Staring At Women’s Boobs and 20 Things In Nature That Look Exactly Like Boobs.

Posted by Danielle Evenson, who is a big fan of ogling.

What Does The Last Lehman Brothers Employee Do All Day?

tony.digerolamo — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:04:06 +0000

It was a little over a year ago that Lehman Brothers went out of business and all those cigar chomping, monocle-wearing fat cats became just as interested in Universal Healthcare as you or I. Comedy.com’s crack team of investigators have obtained the secret day planner pages of the last remaining Lehman Brothers executive still rambling around the empty LB building. It’s even better than Muammar Qaddafi’s day planner (but with slightly less killing).

A few days ago, with tumbleweeds blowing through the lobby of the bank and most of us were fighting over the last clerk position at Starbucks, the last Lehman Brothers executive reported for “work.”

Thursday is especially long when you don’t have any actual work to do and you’re not sitting at home trying to figure out how to extend unemployment and food stamps for the fifth time.

Most employed people look forward to Friday and a chance to blow off some steam. Some just have to start thinking about sleeping on steam grates.

Whether you’re a banker or a fancy pants comedy writer, we’re all struggling in this recession. Check out 11 Ways To Save Money and 10 Things We’d Do With All That Stimulus Money.

Posted by Tony DiGerolamo, who invested all his money in ham.

The Car For The Modern Age: The 1993 Ford Taurus

Danielle Evenson — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 23:36:33 +0000

The Onion does it again with this great video skewering Ford Motor Company. It seems Ford has run out of ideas, and is now reintroducing the 1993 Ford Taurus to desperate buyers. Frankly, it’s roomier than my 2002 Hyundai and has a better trade in value. Sign me up.

Are you looking for a new car? Check out the 10 Coolest Cartoon Cars and 6 Cars That Make Women Seem Hotter Than they Actually Are.

Posted by Danielle Evenson, who could really use a lift.

Gerald Ford on a 1942 Cover of "Cosmopolitan"

Horrible Accident Sadly Does Not Involve Glenn Beck

Danielle Evenson — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 12:00:07 +0000

This report from The Onion News Network details a tragic car accident that killed a young woman, who was sadly not Glenn Beck. While the whole town mourns, her parents can only wonder why their child was taken and not the media personality Glenn Beck. A rash of tragic incidents not involving Glenn Beck seems to be spreading world wide. Be careful and keep your children indoors, horrible things are happening to people who are not Glenn Beck.

For more of our Glenn Beck mocking, check out 5 Companies That Will Never Boycot “Glenn Beck” and 12 minutes of Glenn Beck’s Greatest meltdown moments.

Posted by Danielle Evenson, who will probably be in a tragic accident while driving past the Fox building.

Jon Stewart Mediates War Between The White House And Fox News

Danielle Evenson — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 20:31:07 +0000

Jon Stewart tries to make peace between the Obama White House and Fox News. I’m not sure why. I feel like he lost a bet. In the end we learn a very important lesson. Jon Stewart is secretly Yakov Smirnoff.

Also check out 14 Potential Replacements For Jon Stewart on “The Daily Show” and and the 10 Hottest Female Fox News Anchors.

Posted by Danielle Evenson, who has a thing for Yakov.

5 Greatest (And Worst) Impressions Of Arnold Schwarzenegger

Danielle Evenson — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 19:54:43 +0000

Arnold has a long and illustrious career. He’s been a body builder, a movie star and now Governor of California (aka the captain of the world’s greatest sinking ship). People love him. People really love to do impressions of him. Check out these 5 Best (And Worst) Impressions Of Arnold Schwarzenegger. They’re almost as good (and bad) as these 20 Worst Bill Cosby Impressions On The Web and these 6 Best Dane Cook Impressions.

5. Pablo Francisco
Pablo doesn’t just do an Arnold impression, he does an Arnold in “Brokeback Mountain” impression. Amazing!

4. Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon As Hans And Frans
The two “Saturday Night Live” stars were the first people to mock to muscle man. Check out this great clips of them trying to “pump… you up.”

3. Aries Spears
Aries Spears has more clips of his impression on YouTube than any other comic. I’m not sure if it’s amazing, but it is everywhere. In America that counts for something.

2. Will Sasso
Will Sasso’s impression made the Empire’s 14 Greatest Movie Star Impressions. In this clip Sasso as Schwarzenegger preps for the “Terminator” musical.

1. McBain From “The Simpsons”
He IS the ultimate impression. Laugh, or he’ll blow you up.

For more hilarious comedians, check out these comedians debating spanking children and these 20 Greatest Comedians In Chicago Right Now.

Posted by Danielle Evenson, who has spell checked this sucker six times.

How To Host A Health Care Launch Party

Danielle Evenson — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 14:00:11 +0000

This was posted a couple of weeks ago, but it’s now buzzing on YouTube. The guys at Landline TV made a video to help you host the most rockin’ health care launch party ever. By rockin’, I mean there will be loads of documentation and cupcakes.

Are you interested in health care or delicious party treats? Check out 10 Other Things Yelled Out During Obama’s Health Care Speech and health care in auto-tune.

Posted by Danielle Evenson, who would like some cute girls in her house.

Comedy.com Shows You How To Eat On 5 Dollars A Week

tony.digerolamo — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 12:00:51 +0000

After Tony DiGerolamo scammed free ham, Comedy.com challenged him to eat on five dollars a week. We figured he could do it, and if he couldn’t, he could probably stand to lose a few pounds. (He didn’t want to try these 15 Worst Diets In History.) Along the way, he ate some cheap donuts, hotel bananas and some weird purple stuff he got online. And now, he shares his wisdom, and churning stomach, with you in Eating On 5 Bucks Week.

Monday
Feeling pretty good. I’ve got my five bucks, my hopes and dreams and most importantly, my stomach’s hopes and dreams. Let’s eat!

First Stop: The Internet
The Internet isn’t just for watching naked strippers have sex, it’s also a great place to find coupons for free samples. Since I was hungry and had to stop masturbating anyway, I went to Freestuff.com. I ordered up some coupons, printed some others and— Oh, right, I didn’t stop masturbating. Never mind.

“Mmm! Delicious purple liquid protein for free? Why the only other way I could get that is by j*rking-*ff Grimace.”

Second Stop: GNC
Ah, the generous people at GNC would provide enough sustenance to get me through Monday. Drinking this protein shake would be like having a steak in a bottle and dying it purple. Hopefully, the muscleheads wouldn’t find out my plans and beat me to a bloody pulp in a steroid rage.

Third Stop: Mall Food Court
Fortunately, I live in New Jersey, the land of malls. The only place I could get any real sustenance today was cruising the samples of the food court. It’s delicious, as long as you don’t mind getting served bourbon chicken and chocolate chip cookies a bite at a time on a toothpick.

Tuesday
My goal today is a regular beverage source other than my neighbor’s garden hose.

First Stop: Panera
Places like Panera, Taco Bell and fast food rest stops usually have an unguarded beverage dispenser. And if you’ve got the right cup and a thirst for cheap drink, the world is your oyster. Panera is particularly good because the iced tea and iced coffee are quality, along with fresh lemon slices. Plus, Panera gives samples of free bread and other goodness during the lunch and dinner rushes. You can pretty much gorge yourself and disappear in the crowd.

Unlimited refills only $1.69 a week!

Second Stop: Hampton Inn
One can only live on the generosity of the food court and Panera for so long. Your finer hotels serve a free breakfast for their guests. If you lose yourself in the crowd, you can be a “guest” of the hotel for an hour. Hampton Inns are the best for this. They also have free Internet access and leave out beverages and fruit in the lobby even after breakfast is over. Plus, they’re a clean place to take a dump!

Tony D in action: strategizing and mooching.

Stop Three: Barnes and Noble
My third stop of the day was a bit more dicey. I had blundered into a Starbucks at closing two years ago and the employees gave me the sandwiches they were going to throw out anyway. Unfortunately, I could not repeat my success as every manager in South Jersey was paranoid I would sue them if I got sick on an expired turkey and cheese on ciabatta. Borders gave me the same story, but I was lucky enough to find a Barnes & Noble giving away free Godiva chocolate samples. Score!

“Chocolate dinner anyone?

These are awesome dipped in Hampton Inn peanut butter.”

Wednesday
Getting loopy. I’m going to have to score some easy meat… and I don’t mean one of the Hilton sisters.

Stop One: Post Office
Remember my post office box for Pastor Dom Moccey? I remembered that it’s normally stuffed with the same stupid coupons they mail to my house.

I usually throw the extra coupons in the recycling bin at the post office with everyone else, so there are usually dozens of the same coupon pack. If there was one worth salvaging, I’d have multiple copies. Genius!

Awwwww, yeah! Dunkin’ Donuts has a 31 cent coupon for a donut. That’s right in my (and Willie Nelson’s) price range. But with all this sugar in my brain, I had an even more genius idea.

Stop Two: Veteran Pal
Know any active duty or reserve duty vets? Well they get access to all the free MRE’s (Meals Ready to Eat) that they want! Hey, c’mon, they owe you after all those yellow ribbons you displayed, right? Besides, you paid for these things. My buddy hooked me up with two meals!

Each meal is completely compartmentalized and comes with a bag that acts as a heater to heat up this Salisbury steak and mushroom. It also comes with little amenities like coffee, tea, gum, candy, condiments and dessert. Man, these guys are eating high on our tax dollar and all they have to do is get shot at every day! It’s like having a supermarket in South Compton where all the food is free!

“And a vanilla shake too?! Where is that recruiter? I’m starving!”

Thursday
Stop One: My Local Bakery
Aversa’s bakery on 168 in Turnersville, NJ not only gives away cookies that are going stale, they always have a sample in reach. While my girlfriend bought some bread, I helped myself to complimentary Nutella and fresh bread. Mmm! Is there anything that can’t be made better with Nutella spread all over it? Maybe a Steven Seagal movie, but that’s it.

Nutella: Do not spread over “Under Siege 2: Dark Territory”

Stop Two: Costco
Big chain supermarkets like Wegman’s give away samples, but it’s tough to find out when. Costco gives them out all the time. Just find a friend who is a member like I did and offer to heft her groceries around. You can eat your way across the store!

Costco highlights: Pull pork, ravioli with pesto, veggie crisps, nachos and salsa, dried apple chips, veggie chili, fruit punch, dried prunes—

It’s all part of a complete breakfast!

Friday
At this point, I was eating pretty good for free, but I still hadn’t really scored a fresh meal. If I was a hot chick, it would be easy. Sadly, five bucks does not buy you a mini cocktail dress and fishnets, so I went for the next best thing.

Stop One: Wegmans
Supermarkets don’t always have samples out, but they do have lose produce. And if you’re not too picky about samples, breakfast is just a quick few bites away. Sadly, the only thing loosely stocked in the Wegman’s produce aisle was Brussels sprouts.

“Ugh! I hope Comedy.com appreciates all this healthy food I’m eating!”

Fortunately, Wegman’s standard sample area still had some pumpkin spiced tea for free and I could wash the taste raw sprout from my mouth. Sadly, the cheese samples were gone when I got there.

“Spice pumpkin?! That’s all? What is this? Russia?!”

Final Stop: Kaminski’s
In my haste to scam hotels, supermarkets and major fast food chains, I forgot the basic lesson of eating cheap: Happy Hour! Kaminski’s in Cherry Hill, NJ had a free and unguarded buffet from 3pm to 7pm every weekday! And all it cost me was a two dollar soda and the ire of all the waitresses.

Buffet highlights: Roast beef hoagie, macaroni salad, muscles, pork—

Is this heaven or the greatest tavern ever?

Total Bill: $5

Panera iced tea: $1.69

Dunkin Donut: $.31

Kaminski soda: $2.00

Gas: $1

Getting banned from most local business? Priceless.

If this experiment taught me anything, is that eating for free is almost as much work as getting a job! And as long as you’re unemployed, but still don’t look homeless, you can take advantage of vendors who will mistake you for a person with money.

Speaking of which, hey, Danielle! How ’bout next time I live on sushi for a whole week on Comedy.com’s dime? I hear expensive raw fish is incredibly hilarious!

Posted by Tony DiGerolamo, who thinks spending a million dollars in a week would be even more hilarious.

Comedy.com Shows You How To Dumpster Dive

tony.digerolamo — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:16:11 +0000

Whether you’re a guilt-ridden liberal yuppie bent on saving the Earth (like one of these 10 Worst People To Sit Next To On A Plane) or just another former Lehman Brothers employee not picky about his food, you may want to consider trying the great sport of dumpster diving. It’s easy, profitable and will get you all the pizza crusts and discarded lemon wedges you can eat. Plus, the recession may never end, and you won’t be able to afford Wal-Mart forever. Our intrepid Garbage Correspondent, Tony DiGerolamo, entered this strange world which the Native Americans once called “Am-nowahte lenap-ro” or “He who picks trash.”

First, you’ll need to be prepared with the following items:

Some items not to bring include: your resume, a date, your pride or your dignity. Here now are the three best dumpsters to dive:

3. Trader Joe’s
Supermarkets are generally good because they throw out tons of stuff, but the really big ones have trash compactors so those are a no-no. But Trader Joe’s is run by a bunch of pseudo-hippies who not only leave their trash bins mostly unguarded, but will probably thank you for saving “Mother Earth” if they catch you. You may or may not end up smelling like expired patchouli oil by the end of your trip.

Good items found: Unopened expired organic nachos, a package of still cold veggie hamburger patties, a still functioning price gun

Bad items found: Expired organic sour cream, split packages of raw chicken and several empty latte containers

Tips: Stick with small supermarkets. They probably won’t have trash compactors or lots of security. If the cops catch you, just remember, “You’re just looking for boxes for moving day.”

2. Blockbuster
Virtually any electronics store or electronics-related store can be a treasure trove if you have an eBay account or you don’t mind watching DVDs that are so sh*tty even Blockbuster threw them out. Security is low and there’s usually very little food in them so very little chance of encountering vermin like rats or Perez Hilton.

Good items found: Seven copies of “Pirates of the Caribbean 3,” a used DVD cleaner, several movie posters

Bad items found: Seven copies of “Pirates of the Caribbean 3,” smashed cardboard standees for “Battlefield Earth”

Tips: You can sometimes get this stuff by going right into the store and asking if the clerk is throwing it out. You might be doing him a favor by taking it. Plus, he gets paid almost nothing, so he could care less if he gets fired!

1. Rich People’s Apartment Complex/Dorms
Apartment dwellers and college students already waste a ton of stuff and the rich ones waste even better stuff. Best of all, as long as you dress relatively normal, you can hunt through the dumpster all day “looking for something you lost.” Consider the entire process one giant “hand me down” from a brother you don’t know or ever visit.

Good items found: Two mini cassette tape recorders, a vintage car phone, several VHS tapes

Bad items found: Empty packages from Trader Joe’s, condom wrappers, expensive coffee grounds

Tips: Avoid arrest by checking your local dumpster diving laws ahead of time and don’t ignore signs that specific prohibit this kind of “trash spelunking.” Those yuppies may give to the poor in “proper settings” (like a Sting concert) but don’t expect them to tolerate your trash-picking *ss if you look like a homeless guy trolling for empties.

Bonus “Dumpster”
Clothing donation drop offs are generally off limits to dumpster divers, but during the holiday season the donations tend to overflow. People often just leave the boxes of clothes piled up near the drop off location. This can be a quick place to spice up your wardrobe if you don’t mind spicing it up with clothes from dead people. Just be aware you are stealing directly from poor people too lazy to dumpster dive.

Worst Dumpsters
High end restaurants, especially ones that serve sushi, are a disaster. They will stink, attract animals and rarely contain magic genies or pirate treasure. Even if you do manage to find something edible, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to smell it as your olfactory senses will be overloaded with the smell of garbage. Fast food dumpsters are an exception to this, as the food from it already smelled and tasted like sh*t so sitting in the dumpster won’t do much to it. Unfortunately, the security is high at these dumpsters because who wouldn’t want the precious treasure inside a Dunkin’ Donuts dumpster?

My precious! Give it to me!

For more stories on garbage, check out the 15 Biggest Losers On Craigslist and 20 Pictures That Give Steroids A Bad Name.

Posted by Tony DiGerolamo, who now smells worse than Tom Sizemore.

Pundits Deconstruct Joe Biden And His Unpatriotic Sneeze

Danielle Evenson — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 00:42:10 +0000

Damnit, Joe Biden! Keep your sneeze to yourself! Pundits from the Onion News Network scold Joe Biden after he sneezed during a policy briefing. They do a great job. By the end, you’ll find yourself furious with our Vice President.

Thanks to Babelgum for the link!

Do you love Joe Biden, but hate the Internet? Check out why Joe Biden also hates the Internet and 10 Worst Political Halloween Costumes.

Posted by Danielle Evenson. Bless you.