After Tony DiGerolamo scammed free ham, Comedy.com challenged him to eat on five dollars a week. We figured he could do it, and if he couldn’t, he could probably stand to lose a few pounds. (He didn’t want to try these 15 Worst Diets In History.) Along the way, he ate some cheap donuts, hotel bananas and some weird purple stuff he got online. And now, he shares his wisdom, and churning stomach, with you in Eating On 5 Bucks Week.
Monday
Feeling pretty good. I’ve got my five bucks, my hopes and dreams and most importantly, my stomach’s hopes and dreams. Let’s eat!
First Stop: The Internet
The Internet isn’t just for watching naked strippers have sex, it’s also a great place to find coupons for free samples. Since I was hungry and had to stop masturbating anyway, I went to Freestuff.com. I ordered up some coupons, printed some others and— Oh, right, I didn’t stop masturbating. Never mind.
“Mmm! Delicious purple liquid protein for free? Why the only other way I could get that is by j*rking-*ff Grimace.”
Second Stop: GNC
Ah, the generous people at GNC would provide enough sustenance to get me through Monday. Drinking this protein shake would be like having a steak in a bottle and dying it purple. Hopefully, the muscleheads wouldn’t find out my plans and beat me to a bloody pulp in a steroid rage.
Third Stop: Mall Food Court
Fortunately, I live in New Jersey, the land of malls. The only place I could get any real sustenance today was cruising the samples of the food court. It’s delicious, as long as you don’t mind getting served bourbon chicken and chocolate chip cookies a bite at a time on a toothpick.
Tuesday
My goal today is a regular beverage source other than my neighbor’s garden hose.
First Stop: Panera
Places like Panera, Taco Bell and fast food rest stops usually have an unguarded beverage dispenser. And if you’ve got the right cup and a thirst for cheap drink, the world is your oyster. Panera is particularly good because the iced tea and iced coffee are quality, along with fresh lemon slices. Plus, Panera gives samples of free bread and other goodness during the lunch and dinner rushes. You can pretty much gorge yourself and disappear in the crowd.
Unlimited refills only $1.69 a week!
Second Stop: Hampton Inn
One can only live on the generosity of the food court and Panera for so long. Your finer hotels serve a free breakfast for their guests. If you lose yourself in the crowd, you can be a “guest” of the hotel for an hour. Hampton Inns are the best for this. They also have free Internet access and leave out beverages and fruit in the lobby even after breakfast is over. Plus, they’re a clean place to take a dump!
Tony D in action: strategizing and mooching.
Stop Three: Barnes and Noble
My third stop of the day was a bit more dicey. I had blundered into a Starbucks at closing two years ago and the employees gave me the sandwiches they were going to throw out anyway. Unfortunately, I could not repeat my success as every manager in South Jersey was paranoid I would sue them if I got sick on an expired turkey and cheese on ciabatta. Borders gave me the same story, but I was lucky enough to find a Barnes & Noble giving away free Godiva chocolate samples. Score!
“Chocolate dinner anyone?
These are awesome dipped in Hampton Inn peanut butter.”
Wednesday
Getting loopy. I’m going to have to score some easy meat… and I don’t mean one of the Hilton sisters.
Stop One: Post Office
Remember my post office box for Pastor Dom Moccey? I remembered that it’s normally stuffed with the same stupid coupons they mail to my house.
I usually throw the extra coupons in the recycling bin at the post office with everyone else, so there are usually dozens of the same coupon pack. If there was one worth salvaging, I’d have multiple copies. Genius!
Awwwww, yeah! Dunkin’ Donuts has a 31 cent coupon for a donut. That’s right in my (and Willie Nelson’s) price range. But with all this sugar in my brain, I had an even more genius idea.
Stop Two: Veteran Pal
Know any active duty or reserve duty vets? Well they get access to all the free MRE’s (Meals Ready to Eat) that they want! Hey, c’mon, they owe you after all those yellow ribbons you displayed, right? Besides, you paid for these things. My buddy hooked me up with two meals!
Each meal is completely compartmentalized and comes with a bag that acts as a heater to heat up this Salisbury steak and mushroom. It also comes with little amenities like coffee, tea, gum, candy, condiments and dessert. Man, these guys are eating high on our tax dollar and all they have to do is get shot at every day! It’s like having a supermarket in South Compton where all the food is free!
“And a vanilla shake too?! Where is that recruiter? I’m starving!”
Thursday
Stop One: My Local Bakery
Aversa’s bakery on 168 in Turnersville, NJ not only gives away cookies that are going stale, they always have a sample in reach. While my girlfriend bought some bread, I helped myself to complimentary Nutella and fresh bread. Mmm! Is there anything that can’t be made better with Nutella spread all over it? Maybe a Steven Seagal movie, but that’s it.
Nutella: Do not spread over “Under Siege 2: Dark Territory”
Stop Two: Costco
Big chain supermarkets like Wegman’s give away samples, but it’s tough to find out when. Costco gives them out all the time. Just find a friend who is a member like I did and offer to heft her groceries around. You can eat your way across the store!
Costco highlights: Pull pork, ravioli with pesto, veggie crisps, nachos and salsa, dried apple chips, veggie chili, fruit punch, dried prunes—
It’s all part of a complete breakfast!
Friday
At this point, I was eating pretty good for free, but I still hadn’t really scored a fresh meal. If I was a hot chick, it would be easy. Sadly, five bucks does not buy you a mini cocktail dress and fishnets, so I went for the next best thing.
Stop One: Wegmans
Supermarkets don’t always have samples out, but they do have lose produce. And if you’re not too picky about samples, breakfast is just a quick few bites away. Sadly, the only thing loosely stocked in the Wegman’s produce aisle was Brussels sprouts.
“Ugh! I hope Comedy.com appreciates all this healthy food I’m eating!”
Fortunately, Wegman’s standard sample area still had some pumpkin spiced tea for free and I could wash the taste raw sprout from my mouth. Sadly, the cheese samples were gone when I got there.
“Spice pumpkin?! That’s all? What is this? Russia?!”
Final Stop: Kaminski’s
In my haste to scam hotels, supermarkets and major fast food chains, I forgot the basic lesson of eating cheap: Happy Hour! Kaminski’s in Cherry Hill, NJ had a free and unguarded buffet from 3pm to 7pm every weekday! And all it cost me was a two dollar soda and the ire of all the waitresses.
Buffet highlights: Roast beef hoagie, macaroni salad, muscles, pork—
Is this heaven or the greatest tavern ever?
Total Bill: $5
Panera iced tea: $1.69
Dunkin Donut: $.31
Kaminski soda: $2.00
Gas: $1
Getting banned from most local business? Priceless.
If this experiment taught me anything, is that eating for free is almost as much work as getting a job! And as long as you’re unemployed, but still don’t look homeless, you can take advantage of vendors who will mistake you for a person with money.
Speaking of which, hey, Danielle! How ’bout next time I live on sushi for a whole week on Comedy.com’s dime? I hear expensive raw fish is incredibly hilarious!
Posted by Tony DiGerolamo, who thinks spending a million dollars in a week would be even more hilarious.
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