Whether you’re a guilt-ridden liberal yuppie bent on saving the Earth (like one of these 10 Worst People To Sit Next To On A Plane) or just another former Lehman Brothers employee not picky about his food, you may want to consider trying the great sport of dumpster diving. It’s easy, profitable and will get you all the pizza crusts and discarded lemon wedges you can eat. Plus, the recession may never end, and you won’t be able to afford Wal-Mart forever. Our intrepid Garbage Correspondent, Tony DiGerolamo, entered this strange world which the Native Americans once called “Am-nowahte lenap-ro” or “He who picks trash.”
First, you’ll need to be prepared with the following items:
Some items not to bring include: your resume, a date, your pride or your dignity. Here now are the three best dumpsters to dive:
3. Trader Joe’s
Supermarkets are generally good because they throw out tons of stuff, but the really big ones have trash compactors so those are a no-no. But Trader Joe’s is run by a bunch of pseudo-hippies who not only leave their trash bins mostly unguarded, but will probably thank you for saving “Mother Earth” if they catch you. You may or may not end up smelling like expired patchouli oil by the end of your trip.
Good items found: Unopened expired organic nachos, a package of still cold veggie hamburger patties, a still functioning price gun
Bad items found: Expired organic sour cream, split packages of raw chicken and several empty latte containers
Tips: Stick with small supermarkets. They probably won’t have trash compactors or lots of security. If the cops catch you, just remember, “You’re just looking for boxes for moving day.”
2. Blockbuster
Virtually any electronics store or electronics-related store can be a treasure trove if you have an eBay account or you don’t mind watching DVDs that are so sh*tty even Blockbuster threw them out. Security is low and there’s usually very little food in them so very little chance of encountering vermin like rats or Perez Hilton.
Good items found: Seven copies of “Pirates of the Caribbean 3,” a used DVD cleaner, several movie posters
Bad items found: Seven copies of “Pirates of the Caribbean 3,” smashed cardboard standees for “Battlefield Earth”
Tips: You can sometimes get this stuff by going right into the store and asking if the clerk is throwing it out. You might be doing him a favor by taking it. Plus, he gets paid almost nothing, so he could care less if he gets fired!
1. Rich People’s Apartment Complex/Dorms
Apartment dwellers and college students already waste a ton of stuff and the rich ones waste even better stuff. Best of all, as long as you dress relatively normal, you can hunt through the dumpster all day “looking for something you lost.” Consider the entire process one giant “hand me down” from a brother you don’t know or ever visit.
Good items found: Two mini cassette tape recorders, a vintage car phone, several VHS tapes
Bad items found: Empty packages from Trader Joe’s, condom wrappers, expensive coffee grounds
Tips: Avoid arrest by checking your local dumpster diving laws ahead of time and don’t ignore signs that specific prohibit this kind of “trash spelunking.” Those yuppies may give to the poor in “proper settings” (like a Sting concert) but don’t expect them to tolerate your trash-picking *ss if you look like a homeless guy trolling for empties.
Bonus “Dumpster”
Clothing donation drop offs are generally off limits to dumpster divers, but during the holiday season the donations tend to overflow. People often just leave the boxes of clothes piled up near the drop off location. This can be a quick place to spice up your wardrobe if you don’t mind spicing it up with clothes from dead people. Just be aware you are stealing directly from poor people too lazy to dumpster dive.
Worst Dumpsters
High end restaurants, especially ones that serve sushi, are a disaster. They will stink, attract animals and rarely contain magic genies or pirate treasure. Even if you do manage to find something edible, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to smell it as your olfactory senses will be overloaded with the smell of garbage. Fast food dumpsters are an exception to this, as the food from it already smelled and tasted like sh*t so sitting in the dumpster won’t do much to it. Unfortunately, the security is high at these dumpsters because who wouldn’t want the precious treasure inside a Dunkin’ Donuts dumpster?
My precious! Give it to me!
For more stories on garbage, check out the 15 Biggest Losers On Craigslist and 20 Pictures That Give Steroids A Bad Name.
Posted by Tony DiGerolamo, who now smells worse than Tom Sizemore.
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