Let’s face it, being the most evil man that ever lived already puts you in the weirdo category, but even if he hadn’t destroyed millions of people, Adolf Hitler still would’ve been way out on the bell curve. Maybe it’s the mustache. Guys (or one of these 15 Women Who Look Better With A Mustache) with mustaches have a hard time in life (unless they are one of these 9 Presidents Who Rocked Some Sweet Facial Hair). Here now are the 15 Weirdest Things About Hitler.
15. Hitler promoted non-smoking areas in Germany.
And you thought the Truth people were Nazis. Talk about having incentive to quit.
Loosely translated, “Be a good Nazi, don’t smoke a-hole.”
14. Hitler loved the circus.
The Furher attended several times in 1933 and especially enjoyed women fighting wild animals. He later attempted to use “clown car technology” to fit 100 soldiers inside a single tank.
“Look! Das clowns are coming! How do they all fit in ein Volkswagon?”
13. Hitler invented sex dolls.
When Hitler decided that to meet the needs of soldiers in the field, fake dolls of Aryan women were created. Plus, the Nazis were only weeks away in beating America in the race to develop the technology for the Fleshlight.
12. Hitler was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1938.
The Nobel Prize committee’s lowering of the bar didn’t start with Barack Obama or Henry Kissinger. Maybe they should change the name of the award to, “Some-Guy-We-Picked-Out-Of-The-Newspaper-Prize.”
11. Hitler liked movies, porn and torture.
Der Fuhrer had his executive assistants procure him movies (even movies banned from Germany and ones featuring Jewish performers). They also got him his porn and shot movies of tortured prisoners for his personal viewing. It was like he had his own Internet without the computer.
10. Hitler’s mother wanted an abortion.
Sadly, her doctor talked her out of it. Well, that probably didn’t mess him up at all growing up.
9. “Seig Heil” was inspired by football cheerleaders
I knew cheerleaders were evil, but who knew how evil until now? If only they had chanted “Jews are cool!” history would be quite different.
8. Hitler’s niece killed herself with his gun.
Rumors still persist that Hitler may have been banging his niece or that she was pregnant by a Jewish art student. Maybe just living with the world’s sh*ttiest human being for two years is enough to do it.
7. Hitler supported animal rights.
Hitler was a staunch vegetarian and often tried to convert others who dined with him. Although he liked watching humans tortured, he would turn away in disgust if an animal was harmed in a movie. No word yet on what he would’ve done if he had discovered Jewish animals.
6. Hitler had a life-sized portrait of Henry Ford in his office.
Hitler and Henry Ford admired each other and Hitler consider Ford one of his inspirations. Ford was awarded the Grand Cross of the German Eagle, the highest award a Nazi could give a foreigner (other than promising not to kill him). It’s probably a good thing Ford never released the 1939 F-250 AntiSemite with optional hemi.
5. Hitler slept through the invasion of Normandy.
Suffering from his various ailments, no one could wake mustache boy when the sh*t finally hit the fan.
That’s gonna haunt my dreams.
4. He ran from, then didn’t qualify for the army.
Hitler never registered for Austrian military service and was hunted down as a draft dodger. When he was caught, he was labeled unfit before the outbreak of World War I, when psychotic, homicidal maniacs were apparently given uniforms and guns.
3. Hitler loved chocolate.
Hitler ate a ridiculous amount of sweets, including up to two pounds of chocolate a day and seven teaspoons of sugar in his tea. His dentist was the richest man in Nazi Germany.
2. Hitler couldn’t drive a car.
Which makes the video below a total lie because he never finished his rap songs either.
1. Hitler, like Napoleon, had only one testicle.
Imagine how much damage he would’ve done with more balls? The real question is, who checked to find out this guy had only half of a nutsack?
Hitler taking his ball and going home.
Hitler might be dead, but he has somehow still invaded the Internet. Check out the 15 Most Unnecessary Hitler Parodies and the 10 Dorkiest Hitler “Downfall” Parodies.
Posted by Tony DiGerolamo, author of “Mein Cheesesteak.
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