Most high school history teachers will tell you how great President Lincoln was, but did you know he was one of history’s greatest *ssh*les? That face on Mount Rushmore might as well be two giant butt checks. Before you tear up your five dollar bills and throw your pennies away, here are 10 Reasons Why Abe Lincoln Was An A-Hole.
10. He cheated on his wife with dudes.
You think people are intolerant of gay people now, the mid-1800s weren’t no Stonewall riots, baby. Since wives usually took the hit (no pun intended) for everything that could go wrong in a marriage, guess who was gonna take the weight if Lincoln’s “rail splitting” was discovered? Not “in-the-closet-Republican” Abe who we deem the original Larry Craig.
9. He arrested people that disagreed with him.
You think the Dixie Chicks had it bad, Lincoln shut down newspapers, arrested protesters and made Dick Cheney look like Abbie Hoffman.
8. He deported a political rival.
When suspending Habeas Corpus didn’t work, Lincoln actually shipped a political rival out of the country. This would’ve been like George W. Bush shipping John Kerry to France. (Although, we’re sure Kerry would’ve sent a strongly worded letter from Paris if that had happened.) What a d*ck.
7. He “saved” the Union.
Don’t tell Rick Perry or anyone at MSNBC, but prior to the Civil War, the United States was considered a voluntary union. This means that any state could quit. Some of the New England states nearly seceded during the War of 1812. Let’s face it, would you really be that upset if we lost New Jersey?
6. He hired incompetent generals.
Out of the Top 10 Worst American Civil War Generals, nine of them were hired by Lincoln, which should give you some idea of his sh*tty HR skills.
General Losey McLosington just before he ordered his troops to throw their guns at the enemy.
5. “I freed the what?”
Lincoln didn’t free the slaves and actually spent his presidential campaign promising slave owners could keep them. He had a wacky plan to deport freed slaves to Liberia, which, if implemented, really would have changed the endings to all the Spike Lee movies.
4. He was a racist.
Lincoln probably didn’t free the slaves because he didn’t like them. He believed in the superiority of white people, was against interracial marriage and probably would’ve really hated rap music.
3. He destroyed the South.
You can blame Lincoln for Southern traditions like cars up on cinder blocks on the front lawn, trailer parks and Jeff Foxworthy. Lincoln used the Civil War to destroy the South economically so it wouldn’t be a threat to his political power — and to set Bluegrass music back 50 years. (He hated banjos too.)
2. He’s received so much undeserved praised.
For being such a lousy human being, people sure kissed his ass. Can you imagine 50 years from now people lionizing George W. Bush as the greatest speech giver in American history? Now you know why Southerns keep wearing Confederate flags — just to p*ss you off.
Teddy Roosevelt never got his own candy and who wouldn’t want to lick him?
1. He ruined theater for everyone.
There’s nothing more annoying than a guy that draws attention to himself while you’re trying to watch a show.
John Wilkes Booth unloading on Lincoln’s face at the theater. See? We told you he was gay.
Are you still filled with Abe Lincoln hate? Check out these 15 Coolest Robot Lincolns. Also, did you know Lincoln was a Muslim.
Posted by Tony DiGerolamo, who doesn’t like Andrew Johnson all that much either.
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