No, we’re not talking about the time Thomas Lennon commandeered our banjo for the Froggy Jamboree. That was justified. We’re talking about the State as in the government. You know, those guys that keep listening to your telephone conversations while spending your tax money on stupid sh*t. When they find something they like or want, they’ll just seize it for themselves. The government has odd taste. Here now are the Top 15 Weirdest Things Seized by the State.
15. A Baby Alligator
The joy killers over the TSA took away a man’s baby alligator. Great. Now what is supposed to get his wife for Valentine’s Day? He had it strapped to his thigh, so it’s not like it would’ve bothered anyone.
14. 1000 Bottles Of Keineken Beer
Apparently this hilarious alcohol parody was not so hilarious to the people of Heineken. Who knew Europeans couldn’t take a joke? Unfortunately, that means all of the Bloodweiser we sold to Goth kids will have to come back before they drink it.
13. Giant Beetles
We’re not exactly sure why you would want to mail giant insects. It would be hard to put stamps on them when they keep crawling away. Just stick to our plan. We never clean the kitchen in the Comedy.com office and the bugs march right in!
Homeland Security: Protecting you from giant beetles since 2002.
12. A Creationist Theme Park
Apparently the owners don’t believe in evolution or paying taxes. Fortunately, there are plenty of televangelists out there to make us hate science and keep us willfully ignorant. Thank God! We almost had a thought there!
11. Adolf Hitler Of New Jersey
This new Adolf Hitler is a three-year-old with a father who has a sense of humor much like David Duke. He’s been seized by the State, and we can’t for the life of us figure out why.
10. 500 Turtles
Fortunately, the man got them back, and only 300 died while in the State’s custody. Well, that’s better than FEMA’s record for Katrina.
9. Magic Mushrooms Inside Turtle Shaped Chocolates
Nice going hippies. No wonder the State keeps seizing turtles. If you want to trip on a plane, eat the chocolate before you get to the airport like a normal person. Sure, you might end up in a McDonald’s demanding a flight to Phoenix, but isn’t that easier than going to jail?
8. Heroin Bars Covered In Chocolate
We thought Kit Kats were addicting. Then again, this is the only candy you can eat where you’ll actually lose weight.
7. Monkey Head
Well, this makes sense. Smuggling in a whole monkey is a hassle, but cut him up into pieces…
6. “Harry Potter” Ecstasy
Copyright violations are the least of your worries if you’re smuggling E. Although we did hear that J.K. Rowling’s order goons dressed like the Weasley twins to beat the sh*t out them for not giving her a cut.
5. “War On Terror” Board Game
Yes,we were confused by this one too. The government makes us paranoid about the “War on Terror” enough that someone bases a board game on it. Then that board game becomes “criminal.” Phone call from irony, UK government, will you accept the charges?
4. Heroin Molded Into Furniture
God, we love sitting on this couch, but we don’t know why.
3. Fake Olive Oil
You mean the olive oil we bought from the mafia is fake?! Then what about the all wasabi we bought from the Yakuza?
2. Dead Seagulls Stuffed With Drugs
“Maybe it’s just me, but this pot taste like a seagull’s *ss.”
1. A Mummified Baby
“I can’t bring a baby’s corpse on the plane? But I packed it inside my carry-on.”
We love American politics. Check out the new U.S. healthcare form, and Kanye West heckling Barack Obama. The State can’t take those articles away from you.
Posted by Tony DiGerolamo, who will send his baby corpse via UPS next time.
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