Fans of Congressman Ron Paul and economic nerds everywhere are excited by the promise of HR 1207, a bill that would audit the Federal Reserve and finally make Chairman Bernanke stop using hundred dollar bills to wipe his *ss. It looks good for the measure to pass, but what information might come to light if the Fed is audited? It could be a dark, sinister mystery like Tom Hanks discovered in “The DaVinci Code.” It might just be a retarded jumble of historical bullsh*t like Nicolas Cage found in “National Treasure.” Thanks to our friends at the Free Masons, here now are the 10 Things Hidden In The Federal Reserve.
10. The New Zero Dollar
To further stimulate the economy, there is a secret plan to issue millions of zero dollar notes. Since zero dollars are free, the Fed does not anticipate consumers being afraid to spend them. The cost of printing these notes, only $2.48 each.
9. Ben Franklin’s Whores
Kept in complete isolation and bred exclusively for the sexual predilections of politicians, these sex slaves live perfectly pampered lives until they are secretly murdered at age 25.
8. Alternative Drafts Of The Constitution
These documents specifically allow torture, the monitoring of citizens “as much as the technology will allow” and the establishment of two ruling parties that will continually attempt to out “f*ck up” each other.
7. Abe Lincoln’s Train Tickets To Mexico
Few know that Lincoln thought the Civil War was “doomed from the get-go.” He had several alternate escape routes, including joining a Mariachi Band, fleeing to Mexico and using his stage name “El Pene Grande.”
6. Teddy Roosevelt’s Plans To Burn Down Washington For The Insurance Money
Fortunately, despite money problems in his era, Teddy did not have to resort to this plan. Unfortunately, the phone numbers for “Vito and Tony” are still written on the plans if Congress ever gets desperate.
5. FDR’s Altar To Satan
Unable to solve the country’s woes on his own, FDR sold his soul to get what he wanted, but forgot to mention that he didn’t want polio. (That’s how the Devil gets everyone.) Fortunately for us, he also forgot to ask for immortality.
4. Bernanke’s Money Fort LARP
Every day from 3:15-3:30 pm, Bernanke takes his allotted 15 minute break and retreats to a large room where he has built a fort out of money. Billionaires from all over the country are invited to build their own forts in the same room and join in on the Fantasy LARP Bernanke has run since 2007.
3. Richard Nixon’s Bile Reserve
When President Nixon took the United States off the gold standard forever, he secretly launched a plan to switch the country over to a bile standard. He resigned before he could implement it. There are currently 400 tons of bile in the reserve.
2. The Blood Of KISS
Since 1972, the band KISS has been providing drops of blood for the ink of U.S. currency to make sure it rocks!
1. A sh*tload of I.O.U.’s
The good news is, you won’t feel bad about all the crazy sh*t inside, after you see how much money they’ve stolen from you. The bad news is, you’ll still be incredibly angry. Maybe Nixon was onto something.
Posted by Tony DiGerolamo, who would like to get a bailout.
Comments