Do you know why Obama is such a great speaker? Because he rewrites his speeches more times than Paris Hilton has banged the pool boy. Comedy.com has obtained an exclusive first draft of his speech to school children before Rahm Emanuel had time to take an axe to it. Here now are the 10 Things Cut from Obama’s School Speech.
10. Terrorist Fist Bump To The Screen
To properly indoctrinate your children into the life of the Muslim faith and constantly hating America, Obama was going to fist bump the screen. This will later be used as Obama’s version of “Heil Hitler” so that when you and your children are forced to live in Communist-style living communities and listen to nothing but hip-hop, they would be able to salute the Dear Leader properly.
9. Video Footage Of Obama Spooning Cheney
You can’t get anything done in Washington unless you grease the wheels or in this case, spoon a grumpy old man. The Democrats, however, would be the first to point out that Obama did not slip Cheney the tongue or toss his salad… today. Not only would this spoil the illusion of Democracy for children, it would probably cause wide spread projectile vomiting.
8. Obama’s Rap About The Importance Of Lice Checks
“You gotta check that head, you gotta do it twice! Little white motherf*ckers, we call ‘em lice! Break down!”
7. Presidential Puppet Show Featuring Punch And Pelosi
This portion of the speech was scrapped after the Pelosi puppet not only didn’t fight back against the Punch puppet, but voted for all of Punch’s bills in the Senate, agreed to drop the public option for puppet health care and increased funding for both wars.
6. Attempt To Break World Record In Smoking
This was scrapped at the last minute when lobbyist for R. J. Reynolds couldn’t be reached in time to find what brand he wanted Obama to smoke.
5. Surprise Visit By The Cookie Monster
Rahm Emanuel put the kibosh on this celebrity appearance when it was revealed that Cookie Monster was a right wing teabagger and had made appearances in several protests.
4. Obama’s Satirical Lou Dobbs Impersonation
The White House decided that this would probably go over the heads of most students because Lou Dobbs is neither a Transformer nor a Webkinz.
3. Tomorrow’s Lunch Menu Changes
Schools requested Obama not read the new menu because they figured all he would do is get the students’ hopes up about some really great changes and then disappoint everyone when they got the same old crap.
2. Obama Doing A Series Of Basketball Trick Shots Into John Boehner’s Garbage
During some rehearsal shots, the entire White House office laughed while the Republican Minority Leader attempted to ignore the President and the basketball which occasionally hit his desk knocking his papers askew. After a few shots, Boehner “threatened to tell.” When Obama told him to just “shut his pie hole,” Boehner placed a desk blotter over his wastepaper basket. Obama muttered “little b*tch” and cut the bit.
1. Obama’s New Presidential Sign Off
“Fight the Power little cracker children!”
Posted by Tony DiGerolamo who is very disappointed in the Cookie Monster.
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