In what is seemingly becoming a never ending recession, many business are feeling the pinch. It’s not just the heartless multi-national corporations. Local Mom and Pop places are taking a hit bigger than anyone. Before you start to bitch about your crappy financial situation, take a look at these poor bastards. Just be happy you’re not them. If you are them, you might want to skip this post. It will only make you feel worse. Here is a list of the 5 Institutions Hardest Hit By The Recession:
5. Happy Ending Massage Parlors
Rub N’ Tugs are declaring bankruptcy at an alarming rate in this country. As many as 100 per day according to some estimates (we didn’t know there were that many either). What’s the reason? When money is tight, hand jobs are one of the first luxuries to get cut out of the entertainment budget. People can just jerk themselves off at home. Starbucks is having a similar problem with people saving money by making their own coffee.
4. Gallagher
Comedian Gallagher can’t even get a gig in Reno these days. Rising fuel costs and inclement weather have caused the price of watermelons to skyrocket and forced Gallagher to cut the watermelon smashing bit out of his act. Without that, he’s got nothing. He’s been forced to rely on his less popular joke telling ability.
3. Hobos With Funny Signs
We realize it’s a bit of a stretch to call panhandler with sign a business. Bare with us. Resources are thin, we’re in a recession. This guy is funny, but he ain’t funny enough to make people part with a quarter. That quarter can be used for laundry, “Space Invader”s, or to buy yourself a bottle of sippin’ whiskey. After all, you’re the one who needs it. Hobos don’t do shi*t all day. What do they need to get drunk for?
2. Birthday Clowns
Most families have one or both parents out of work. They’re all saying, “F the kids, anyone left over cash is going to me. If they want balloon animals they can make them themselves.” Some parents with younger children aren’t even telling the kid that it’s their birthday. It’s a great way to save cash. What the rugrat don’t know, won’t hurt him.
1. Dog Psychiatrists
The fact that dog psychiatrists are going out of business may be the only silver lining to this recession. We can’t believe this is even a real job but evidently people have been taking their dogs to these big phonies when Rover is feeling sad or acting crazy. If you think your dog needs a psychiatrist we’ve got news for you; the dog isn’t crazy, you are.
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