Throughout history, facial hair has been known to be a sign of manliness and virility. In modern times however, it has come to be known as a sign of douchebagedness common among law enforcement officers, lumberjacks and pedophiles. We only mention this to give these photographs you are about to view a bit of historical perspective. Just because a man had a long beard or a handlebar mustache doesn’t mean he was a bad person… and certainly not a bad President.
Any historian could tell you that among our Presidents, face pubes are as common as left handedness. Many had them at one point or another in their lives, and they were better men for it. Also, it now gives us at Comedy.com something to make fun of. There were many to choose from but we feel that these are the 9 Presidents Who Rocked The Sweetest Facial Hair.
9. William Howard Taft 27th President – Republican
When we look at Taft’s mustache we think, “That is exactly what Boss Hog was missing.” Had Boss Hog had a mustache, “The Dukes of Hazzard” would still be on the air. Taft also has the distinction of being the fattest President, weighing in at over 300lbs. He once got stuck in a bathtub in the White House. True and important fact.
Unimportant fact: Taft is the only President to later be appointed to the Supreme Court.
8. Martin Van Buren 8th President – Democrat
We think Van Buren’s head was the inspiration for the hang glider. Look at his freaking sideburns! The one on the right looks like something you might find on a Rorschach test.
Unimportant fact: Van Buren was a key organizer of the Democratic party and is the only President whose first language was not English. He grew up speaking Dutch (just like Goldmember).
7. Chester A. Arthur 21st President – Republican
Technically, his mustache never ends. It just dips down and connects with the sideburns somewhere above the first bicuspid. It’s like an infinity symbol (∞).
Unimportant fact: Arthur became President after the assassination of James Garfield in 1881. He is known as the father of civil service.
6. Rutherford B. Hayes 19th President – Republican
Is it just the beard or does Hayes look crazier than a rat in a tin sh*t house? He could be Boo Radley’s grandfather. If Hayes had a lawn, we wouldn’t walk on it.
Unimportant fact: Hayes lost the popular vote in 1876 and won the electoral college by only one vote. It was a highly disputed election and was finally settled by a Congressional commission.
5. John Quincy Adams 6th President – Republican
Those frizzy sideburns make Adams look like an old, balding, half-assed werewolf. He’s too tired to chase you, but he will bite if you put your hand near his mouth.
Unimportant fact: Adams did not win the popular vote and was elected by the congress over the more popular Andrew Jackson. “Corrupt Bargain” was the name given to the incident.
4. Theodore Roosevelt 26th President – Republican
If Teddy, as he preferred to be called, were alive today he’d be driving a big white van and have plenty of candy in the glove box. Don’t get us wrong. He was a great President, and a good man. We’re just saying, with that mustache he kind of looks like a kid toucher.
Unimportant fact: He was the first President to advocate universal health care.
3. Grover Cleveland 22nd & 24th President – Democrat
Well hello Mr. Belvedere, you handsome devil. Is that a breast hanging under your chin or are you just happy to see us?
Unimportant fact: Grover Cleveland was the only President to serve two non-consecutive terms.
2. James Garfield 20th President – Republican
If he weren’t President of the United States, we think Garfield could have easily found work as a Gypsy fortune teller at a carnival. Why he could even fill in for the guy who guesses your weight from time to time.
Unimportant fact: Garfield served only 199 days office.
1. Abraham Lincoln 16th President – Republican
If we didn’t already know who Abraham Lincoln was we would think he was an Amish apple butter salesman. He’s the only guy who can make a stacheless beard not look racist.
Unimportant fact: Lincoln is almost universally considered among historians to be the greatest President in U.S. history.
Honorable Mention
John F. Kennedy 35th President – Democrat
He never had any facial hair but we decided to give him an honorable mention anyway. Simply because the guy went down on so many chicks it’s as if he did have facial hair half the time.
Bonus President
Al Gore Democrat
While he never actually held the office of President, we all know damn well that he won that election. Yeah we’re still bitter about it!
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