It is widely agreed among the President and members of Congress that health care reform is sorely needed, the question is; how to pay for it? There are many ideas on the table, everything from raising taxes to rationing care but fortunately neither of those will be necessary. Once again, we at Comedy.com have put our heads together to save our nation. Here are our six brilliant ideas to pay for health care…
6. Cash For Old People
Old people are cute sometimes but let’s face it, they smell. They are also an enormous drain on Medicare with all the prescription drugs and surgeries they require to stay alive. It’s about time we “cash” them in so to speak. Now we’re not talking about your grandparents, we’re talking about people over 100 years old. You know, when they’ve hunched over so far that their head has gone through their legs and come back up around their ass. They’re all twisted up. They look like a human Cinnabon! It would be cheaper and better all around if their relatives would “send them to live on a farm upstate” and collect a c-note while they’re at it.
5. Bring In Your Own Urine Sample
Time is money in this world and there’s no point for a nurse to waste her precious time collecting your urine. Pee in a Dixie cup at home, label it and bring it in yourself. Just don’t get it mixed up with your Starbucks cup on the way in.
4. Advertise! Advertise! Advertise!
A patient who is under for surgery is like a blank billboard just waiting to be advertised on. Take a look at this guy in the picture; he’s probably out riding his Harley every weekend in a sleeveless shirt. Bill Gates would pay big money for that kind of exposure.
3. Get Rid Of “Highlights For Children”
Every pediatrician in the United States has this stupid ass magazine in their waiting room, and the subscription is costing them millions. Children spend hours trying to find the spoon in the picture. Here’s a hint: it’s in the hobo’s shoe, it’s always in the hobo’s shoe! Let the kids twiddle their thumbs while they wait for their booster shots, it’s a lot less expensive.
2. Legalize Prostitution
Oprah’s boy toy, Dr. Oz, advocates having sexual intercourse 4 times a week as part of a heart healthy lifestyle. Yeah right, that’s gonna happen! Most wives in America would rather their husbands die from a heart attack at age 50 than to bang that son of a bitch 4 times a week. The only way men are going to be able to have sex four times a week is with a hooker. and they should be able to do so without the fear of winding up on the TV show “COPS.”
1. Prescription: Weed
Marijuana has been proven to be an effective treatment for: Adult ADD, AIDS, Alcoholism, Alzheimer’s disease, chronic pain, depression, epilepsy, glaucoma, rheumatic diseases, etc. The list goes on and on but doctors continue to prescribe the much more expensive pills made by pharmaceutical companies. The reason: pharmaceutical companies don’t make money when patients smoke weed, they make money when patients buy their drugs. Unfortunately doctors in most states couldn’t prescribe marijuana if they wanted to because it’s illegal. So write your Congressman and tell them to LEGALIZE IT!
If you vote for our number one pick, check out our list of Best Stoner Songs and 12 Presidents Who Alleged Smoked Weed.
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