This past February President Obama signed into law a $787 billion economic stimulus package in order to jumpstart the U.S. economy. Is it working? That depends on whom you talk to. One thing it did accomplish was jumpstarting our imagination.
What would we do if we could get our hands on that kind of scratch?
10. We’d Pay the Rolling Stones to Retire
Everyone has a price. And something tells me $787 billion might be enough to convince the already rich Rolling Stones to retire. They had a good run these last 45 years, but all good things must come to an end. And if it doesn’t end with this handsome payoff, it’ll certainly end when one of them eventually breaks a hip onstage.
9. We’d Remake the Star Wars Prequels (Except this Time they Wouldn’t Suck)
Star Wars fans were sorely disappointed by the CGI snoozefest George Lucas provided us with around the turn of the century. He would never sell the rights to a remake because he already has more money than most countries’ economies. But we’d use a fraction of the stimulus to hire a mercenary commando squad to abduct him and force him to sign over the rights. We’d then spend the rest to hire a reputable writer and director to put together a trilogy of Star Wars prequels that fans would actually like. Spoiler alert! In our version Jar Jar Binks gets sliced in half by a light saber in the first five minutes.
8. We’d Pay for Liposuction for Everyone in Wisconsin
One of the worst kept secrets in America is that people who live in the Badger State tend to be a bit on the hefty side. Anyone who’s ever watched a Packers game on TV knows this to be true. Using the stimulus money to suck the fat out of Wisconsin would make the state a little easier on the eyes. However, this move could make it harder for the average citizen to survive a Wisconsin winter.
7. We’d Buy All the Ad Time for Super Bowl XLIV
In addition to sparing true sports fans from the embarrassing sideshow of over-hyped Super Bowl ads, we’d also be shutting out all those global conglomerates whose jingles we’re already sick of. What would we put on in their place? We’d rerun Super Bowl XLII. For one, it would be fun watching non-sports fans at your Super Bowl party get confused since they aren’t following the game and don’t know who’s playing. It would also serve as a collective middle finger to annoying New England Patriots fans everywhere.
6. We’d Build Bullet Trains Connecting Every Major U.S. City to Las Vegas
Every red-blooded American loves Las Vegas. So why not provide them a fun, easy way to get there. This project might actually cost more the $787 billion but we’d easily pay for the rest with profits obtained through the onboard bar, casino, and strip club. You haven’t lived until you’ve gotten a lap dance at 186mph.
5. We’d Get the Freedom Tower Built
How long does it take to erect a freakin’ building already? No building project has been more notoriously flawed than the Freedom Tower in lower Manhattan. Now called One World Trade Center, this building has taken seemingly forever to build and has illustrated the difficulty of getting something done in New York City. $800 billion would provide enough cash to grease all the palms that need greasing and also enable us to build that sucker out of a space-aged Kevlar.
4. We’d Organize the World’s First All Chimp Army
With two wars being waged in the Middle East, our armed forces are stretched thin. And the best way to fortify the ranks would be with a highly trained, all chimp army. Sure it might take awhile to turn large populations of primates into highly skilled fighting machines. But with this kind of funding, there’s no reason to think it couldn’t be done. Besides, we already know they’re very capable at lobbing poop grenades so we’re halfway there.
3. We’d Arrange for the Chicago Cubs to Win the 2009 World Series
While other cursed teams have broken through this decade–Anaheim Angels, Chicago White Sox, Boston Red Sox–the lovable losers on the North Side of the Windy City continue to struggle mightily. Their fans deserve better. That’s why we’d spend these billions to shore up the Cubbie’s lineup and then payoff all the other playoff teams in order to make this happen. And at this point, we’re not really sure Cubs fans would care if it were a legitimate championship. They’d just like to drink themselves into a coma celebrating afterward.
2. We’d Airdrop Camera Phones to Third World Countries
Based on what we’ve just seen in Iran, the revolution may not be televised but it will certainly be tweeted. And the best way to arm would-be revolutionaries in repressive regimes would be with camera phones that allow these people to share their struggles with the outside world. In order to avoid the appearance of international meddling, we’d get a major mobile companies to sign-on so we can write off the airdrops as a marketing stunt.
1. We’d Buy a Three-way with Cloris Leachman & Betty White
We presume these two Hollywood icons are too classy to simply go along with our indecent proposal, but $787 billion could fund a lot of their favorite charities. And while the former Mary Tyler Moore actors are well into their golden years, and probably not in the best physical condition, this liaison would be well worth it just for the stories it would produce and the hips it might break.
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