There’s very little that could have knocked the continuing 24/7 coverage of Michael Jackson’s death over the July 4th weekend, but somehow Sarah Palin knocked the King of Pop off the headlines when she made a late afternoon announcement on Friday the 3rd that she would be stepping down from her position as governor of Alaska on July 26th and handing power over to her lieutenant governor. Since then, mainstream media just can’t get enough of trying to make sense of her decision and speculating on what she’ll do next. It’s almost certain that from now until the 2012 presidential race starts in late 2011, we’ll be seeing a Sarah Palin mediastorm. Previously, Mrs. Palin has been nothing but Miss Sourpants in regards to her depictions in the media, but the problem is that she’s not taking full advantage of her brand. So as always, we’re here to help.
The Echo Chamber with Sarah Barracuda
The most common theory of what Sarah Palin’s future holds is that she might try to get some sort of cable TV show, much like Mike Huckabee did after the 2008 election. And cable news outlets such as Fox News are always looking for new controversial talking heads to keep the ratings going up, up and up. With Palin’s fervent following, a Fox News show makes perfect sense. And we’ve already done the hard work by coming up with a great name– “The Echo Chamber with Sarah Barracuda”.
Late Show with Sarah Palin
One of the most recent media kerfuffles involving Sarah Palin was her bizarre feud with late night talk show host David Letterman after Letterman made a joke at daughter Bristol Palin’s expense. Many hardcore Palin supporters rallied around her and called for CBS to fire Letterman, which of course didn’t happen. But one of the best ways to put the hurt on Letterman would be to go head to head against him in the ratings war.
The Sarah Palin Show
Sarah Palin is so fascinating to the media because she just seems to be so full of drama. Her daughter gets pregnant while still in high school, her daughter’s baby-daddy gets in an argument with the Palin family over custody and visiting rights, each side sends nasty messages to each other on Facebook… it’s just like an episode of The Jerry Springer Show. So why not just go all the way with that and give Palin her own sleazy daytime talkshow replete with on-stage bodyguards for when the Alaskan antics get way out of control.
I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!
Appearing on NBC’s “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!” seemed to do some good in helping to change the public image of impeached former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich after his wife Patti competed on the jungle game show. Our predicition is that Sarah Palin would do equally well, if not better than Patti Blagojevich, probably placing in the top 3 after she beats Verne Troyner in a contest to see who can eat the most rancid scorpion meat in 2 minutes.
Book Deals, Book Deals, Book Deals
We already know that Sarah Palin has one book deal in the works, but why stop with one book? The world got to know Obama pretty well after his 2 books and Ann Coulter has built an incredibly successful career in writing one bestselling book after another and conservative readers just can’t get enough. So why stop with just an autobiography, when she can pump out some light reading every 6 months? We’re thinking of something with titles like Confessions of a Lipstick Pitbull and Fighting the Liberal Internet, One SomethingAwful Photoshop at a Time.
Conservative talk radio
For about the past 15 to 20 years, conservatives have owned the political talk radio airwaves. For all the complaints about liberal bias in newspapers and on CNN, there’s no doubt that the radio airwaves belong to the conservatives. It would only make sense for Palin to hop on that bandwagon with the likes of other esteemed names as Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Michael Savage. We picture her like Dolly Parton in Straight Talk, sitting over the microphone doling out advice to houswives and overworked husbands in her unique folksy, perky manner.
The Sarah Palin Experience Tour
In 2000, John McCain did well with his Straight Talk Express bus, but that sort of thing is so boring these days. What Sarah Palin needs is something more akin to the Jimi Hendrix Interactive Experience or John Lennon Learning Bus traveling displays– a full visceral multimedia sensory feast full of lasers, lights, sounds and video showing the EXTREME awesomeness that is The Sarah Palin Experience. It would travel to colleges, conventions and tea parties to invigorate and psyche up the committed fans and convert the unwashed masses.
Sarah Palin’s Extreme Helicopter Wolf Hunt
In the 80s, it used to be thought by some that video games were just a fad that would pass, given enough time. But these days video games are a multi-billion dollar media industry that doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon. The US Military, the Christian church and major corporations have all created video games to get a point across or to sell a particular brand, and there’s no reason that Sarah Palin can’t get a piece of that action. Palin is a hunter and games such as Big Game Hunter and Deer Hunter have sold millions of copies, so we’d love to see something like Sarah Palin’s Extreme Helicopter Wolf Hunting. Pew pew pew, noob.
Sarah Palin on the Big Screen
With book deals on the horizon, it only makes sense that the next logical step towards capturing and holding onto the public imagination is to not only put her life story on the big screen, but to perhaps take on the Tyler Perry style of marketing with films like Sarah Palin’s Welcome to Wasilla starring Sarah Palin or Sarah Palin’s Meet the Palins starring Sarah Palin. It’s brilliant, brilliant… there’s at least an MTV Movie Award in there somewhere.
The Sarah Palin blog network
Since her resignation speech, Palin has gotten press by criticizing and threatening to sue any blogger or internet author who repeated rumors about her being under investigation by the FBI or other unfounded speculation. Previously, she had been highly critical of the liberal media and the liberal blogosphere. But the present and future of information dissemination and public image is on the internet– Barack Obama knows that well enough, having built a massive grassroots campaign for president in 2008. The best thing Sarah could do would be to set up a Gawker-like series of blogs, offering not only political opinion, but advice and articles on hunting, cars, child-rearing, celebrity gossip, cooking and snowmobiling. Or she could do a funny web series like Lisa Kudrow. The possibilites are endless.
And if none of that pans out, there’s always Playboy. If it’s good enough for Debbie Gibson, it’s good enough for Sarah Palin.
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