For a week now, the media has been playing “Where’s Waldo?” with South Carolina governor Mark Sanford. First, the State House in Columbia simply stated that they didn’t know where he was but that no one was worried. Then they tell everyone that he’s simply hiking on the Appalachian Trail, but they’re not exactly sure where he is on the trail and aren’t in contact with him. Then last night, he shows up at the Atlanta airport, still mum about where he had been or why. This morning it was announced that he was in Argentina, and had gone because he wanted to get away to “somewhere exotic” for a vacation. And then this afternoon, he comes out that he was there having an affair– accepting Argentine stimulus if you will.
To us, it seemed like if he’s going to have an affair with someone in another hemisphere, it’s not like he’s a teenager sneaking out of his parents house where he can be back by breakfast like nothing happened. He’s the governor of a state and it automatically looks suspicious if you try and slip off halfway across the world for no reason without even telling your wife. The problem is that he just went about it all wrong. So here’s a short list of much better excuses he could have used that may have saved him a whole lot of grief and probably a job
Early Christmas shopping
You could build more logic into this one than you might think at first. Christmas is still half a year away, but it’s also winter in the southern hemisphere. Winter equals Christmas, at least for those of us in the northern hemisphere. But he could have always made up some story about how in Argentina, they have massive Christmas sales in June when it starts to get colder because they know that tourists from the northern hemisphere will want Christmas sales in the colder weather. Say it really fast and Fox News will just run with it without questioning.
He was on a super secret spy mission
This is practically bulletproof– he was on a super secret mission from the CIA or NSA that’s so secret he can’t talk about it and no one else can either, case closed. Playing the “I can’t tell you in the interest of national security” card worked pretty well for the Bush administration, there’s no reason that it can’t continue to work for rising GOP governors. He’s a patriot and no one knows a thing.
He wanted to live out his dream of being an Argentine gaucho
Decades ago, many young boys had dreams of being brave cowboys galloping across the vast expanses of the Wild West in search of adventure, but the really ambitious ones dreamed of moving to the grasslands of Argentina to rope cattle as gauchos. Again, it’s similar to George Bush going to the ranch to chop down brush and blow off some steam, except it makes him appear worldly and exotic.
He likes the nightlife, he likes to boogie
South Carolina is the home of Myrtle Beach, a town well-known for its love of partying and drinking. But Myrtle Beach is small change for a powerful man like Mark Sanford. Every single Myrtle Beach resident would have agreed that sometimes Myrtle Beach gets old and you have to go out and find bigger and better places to get your drink on, and Buenos Aires is one heck of a party town.
He was invited to a World Cup qualifying match
For a state like South Carolina, having big connections is a plus. So he could have always said that he had been invited to a World Cup qualifying match by some generically-named Argentine dignitary… “Jose Manuel Martinez” etc and if someone asks who Argentina was playing, his answer is “uh French Uruguaumbia or something. Next question.” Score.
He wanted to learn how to tango
Argentina is the home of the tango, one of the spiciest and romantic dance moves in the world. And if a US governor wants to learn how to tango, does he go to some cheap dance class at the YMCA? No sir, he goes to the source to learn from the masters. Bonus points when he says this was all a surprise for his wife and he gets video footage of the two of them tangoing across the foyer of the governor’s mansion. Everyone laughs, goes home and that’s the end of that.
He is having “personal issues” and had gone to Argentina to start gender reassignment surgery
Sure, South Carolina is a pretty conservative state and most voters would probably have a major problem with their governor becoming a transsexual, but unlike adultery, at least having a sex change isn’t a crime in South Carolina. He might isolate a bunch of his constituents, but he wouldn’t be another statistic in the GOP adultery shuffle. Hell, if he decided to launch a presidential bid in 2012, it might get him some liberal votes in places like California and Vermont.
He was going to go hiking, but lost his maps and like such as
Since Miss Teen South Carolina brought the issue to light last year, it’s a well-known fact that South Carolina has a serious problem with incorrect maps or not enough maps for all US American school children. He could have simply highlighted this problem by stating that it was always his intention to go hiking on the Appalachian Trail but due to his lack of maps and like such as, he somehow ended up in Buenos Aires. He makes a frowny face on TV, sets up a relief fund to help mapless children and he’s a hero.
These are all pretty unlikely to have ever come out of his mouth as an excuse, but it’s better than what he did. Really, how hard is it to have just said that he and his wife were going on a short vacation to Argentina and then just ditch the misses at the hotel?
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