As you probably know, Rod Blagojevich was unanimously impeached yesterday as Governor of Illinois. You may have also heard, Blago gave a sad, rambling closing argument for himself. We decided to check it out for ourselves on YouTube. You don’t need to watch the whole thing. We’ll just give you the good parts. Here is Veto Corleone’s guide to the Rod Blagojevich closing argument.
0:15 Jesus. He has 90 minutes to present his argument. Does somebody get a shepherd’s hook if he goes over?
0:31 Blago gets the “lay of the land” from the speaker and an explanation of where his counsel is located. “Welcome to your kinda-important trial, Governor.”
3:57 Boy, he’s real upset about not being able to bring in witnesses. It’s almost like he’s not giving his speech to the people intending to vote on his impeachment. He’s making his plea to whoever is listening. We can’t really help you, Rod.
4:22 Okay, now he’s speaking directly to the Senate.
4:57 Can’t help but feel bad for whatever actor has to don the Blago wig and give this speech at the dramatic conclusion of the made-for-TV movie.
7:16 Blago gives a “Come on, gang. We all do fucked up shit” argument.
9:44 He hints that one day this could happen to any of them. “We’re all scumbags. This could be you up here. Let’s just continue doing fucked up shit and not rat each other out.”
1:13 Blago blames George W. Bush for something about health care for low income families.
2:13 He tells some story about getting coffee for Congressmen and how he was a bitch when he was a freshman in Congress. Crickets chirp.
3:03 “I’ve been given legal advice by lawyers and I believe they’re right.”
5:34 It’s pretty great how he’s trying to act like they’re impeaching him for helping low income families with doctor bills.
9:49 This flu vaccine argument is so boring that even Blago starts to stumble and ramble.
0:42 “you should have impeached me before I got reelected.”
3:32 Is he trying to get the Governors of Wisconsin, Kansas and Vermont, along with John McCain and Ted Kennedy impeached also?
3:38 Oh, and blame Rahm Emanuel too.
4:20 Blago gives perhaps the weakest and most-effeminate cough in Governor history. Actually, watch that.
0:23 Wonder if they also impeached him for being sooo boring.
4:16 Blago gives his me-so-foreign plea. He’s the American Dream. His dad worked 175 hours a week. No idea what this has to do with anything.
6:01 Harvard rejected him exactly fours seconds after he applied there.
7:35 Blago says he doesn’t understand why “you guys” are holding stuff up. Then he pauses and says “Well, not you guys.” He suddenly remembered who was about to vote him out.
1:17 Did he just say the impeachment “ain’t about me… charge it to my heart”? Ugh.
3:02 Impeachments are rare because you’re not supposed to throw “the will of the people” out. “Don’t impeach me because impeachments are rare.”
4:58 This is the best defense so far. “Don’t impeach me, because this whole process was punishment enough, guys. It’s really sucked for me, I assure you.”
6:31 “Guys, this really sucks for my daughters too. Just don’t impeach me. C’mon. Think of how embarrassing this is for me and my daughters.”
6:38 “And even more important than my daughters – the people of Illinois.” Uh-oh.
Yeah, he’s basically guilty as shit. Wonder if he walked away from the podium thinking, “NAILED IT!” before he got unanimously voted out. Don’t watch it. Just trust us. He’s guilty. But we think we like him anyway.
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