Rod Blagojevich’s media spree has worked on us. Not only do we think he’s innocent, we’re absolutely positive he is one of the greatest men to ever walk God’s green Earth. He’s done great good for mankind and we wanted to recognize him. Here are Rod Blagojevich’s 10 Greatest Accomplishments, which are falsely attributed to others.
10. Myth: Adolph Hitler committed suicide in 1945.
Fact: Rod Blagojevich assasinated Hitler in 1945 because Hitler wanted to raise your taxes.
9. Myth: Gandhi pioneered non-violent civil disobedience in India.
Fact: Gandhi stole all of his ideas from Rod Blagojevich. Blagojevich would have non-violent hunger strikes all the time, right around the time he invented children’s hospitals.
8. Myth: Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison for his anti-apartheid activism.
Fact: Rod Blagojevich broke Nelson Mandela out of jail in 1965 and undertook crime fighting missions in secrecy. The movie Shawshank Redemption is partially based on their relationship. So is the movie Sideways, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.
7. Myth: Jesse Jackson Jr. blew the whistle on Blagojevich’s pay-for-play scandal.
Fact: Rod Blagojevich turned himself in, but he withheld the real reason he wanted the money. He is a vigilante scientist, raising the money for his independent research on autism.
6. Myth: Jonas Salk cured polio in 1952.
Fact: Rod Blagojevich cured polio on accident in 1951, when he was actually trying to find a cure for breast cancer. He succeeded, but let Jonas Salk take the credit because Salk was Jewish.
5. Myth: Larry David is the genius behind Seinfeld.
Fact: Rod Blagojevich is the creative genius behind Seinfeld. People just think it was Larry David because he looks like Jonas Salk.
4. Myth: Mother Teresa spent four decades caring for the poor, sick, orphaned and dying in India.
Fact: ‘Mother Teresa’ was a Halloween costume Rod Blagojevich wore in 1946 and proceeded with his business-as-usual care of the sick, orphaned, poor and dying of India. When too much media attention came his way, he decided to fake his own death in 1997. That was the same year he ghost-directed Fargo for the Coen brothers.
3. Myth: Anna Swan of 19th Century Scotland has the world’s largest vagina.
Fact: Rod Blagojevich once gave birth to a 27 pound baby with no C-section. Do the math.
2. Myth: “Like a Rolling Stone” by Bob Dylan is the greatest song of the rock era.
Fact: Rod Blagojevich comes up with better shit than that all the time.
1. Myth: There is no God.
Fact: Don’t let Rod Blagojevich hear you say that. Rod switched the ‘G’ out of his first name in 1977.
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