Horrible actress, Jessica Alba and horrible TV personality, Bill O’Reilly are in a bit of a feud. Jessica called Bill an a-hole at an Inauguration event. Then she said something dumb about Sweden being neutral (even though she totally meant Switzerland). Then she tried to show how smart she was. We don’t really care. But we do care that we bet O’Reilly has been going home every night to jack it to Jessica Alba thinking about him. What else turns Bill-O on? Here are the top 10 things that give Bill O’Reilly a boner. Besides Jessica Alba. Enjoy.
10. Doing it Live
You’ve probably seen this video. But what you didn’t know is that Bill had a raging hard-on the entire time. That whole bit about not getting what “to play us out” meant? That was an excuse for him to DO IT LIVE. You can see it in his eyes. He burns with lust. That jacket wasn’t the only thing to come off at the end of the vid. Yuck.
9. War
War is fucking macho, bro. Especially against savages. O’Reilly gets the blood rushing whenever he thinks about liberating a country. And you’re some kind of French pussy if you’re not with him. Shock and Awe? That was like, 6 tissues.
8. Lesbian Gangs
They carry pink pistols and trick young girls into becoming lesbians! They totally exist! And they must be stopped! Because, if they’re not stopped, how is Bill-O gonna get rid of his les-boner?
7. Keith Olbermann
If Keith Olbermann or his MSNBC show, Countdown are mentioned on The Factor, O’Reilly will call security and kick whoever said it right off. Otherwise, he might lose control of himself, unzip right at his desk and start tugging it with a vengeance.
6. When Black People Act All Civilized
If a black person is at a restaurant and isn’t yelling, “Motherfucker, I want more ice tea!”, it freaks Bill-O out. Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and gangsta rappers do not give Mr. O’Reilly a boner. The 6 or 7 other black people out there are totally hawt.
5. Christmas
You don’t like Christmas, pal? You better take your shit back to Israel! Christmas has existed in America for like, a thousand years, bro. Don’t be some kind of anti-American sissy. Coincidentally, the “War on Christmas” combines two of Bill O’Reilly’s top 10 favorite boner-givers. That’s why he won’t get off of it.
4. San Francisco
O’Reilly has made “satirical comments” before about how he’d like al Qaeda to wipe San Francisco off the map. Otherwise he and Ted Haggard might pack their bags and go there for an insane fuck-spree. Out of sight, out of mind.
3. Peabody Awards
That would suck so bad to brag about getting multiple Peabody Awards for “doing it live” and then not really have any.
2. Loofahs
Or are they falafels? Either way, Bill-O wants to use one of those babies on you in the shower. He just wants to take one of them falafels and “do it live” in the shower with you, baby. And by “you” and “baby”, we mean “Andrea Mackris.”
1. Mirrors
You either have to really love yourself or completely hate yourself to act like Bill O’Reilly acts. We’re guessing it’s the former. But it makes for amazing televised moments and (in Mr. O’Reilly’s case) an incredible self-love life.
Comments